Confessions
I feel completely unprepared for the work I have at the church.
Even though I talked myself up in my application, I'm not sure I have the skills to carry this through.
I'm in charge of ten adult church school classes.
I've never really participated in an adult church school class... ever.
I've been in the Church all my life, and I'm not sure why.
I know that I have to exercise, because I have chronic headaches if for no other reason, but I don't.
I'm hopelessly addicted to television.
Cable doesn't help.
When I didn't have a Christian Education connection to a church, music was my source of strength and spirituality.
Now I don't have music anymore, and I'm lost.
I've put a lot of effort into convincing people that I'm called to be a pastor, but I have no experience with any pastoral duties.
I'm a terribly slow reader. It takes me months to finish a book.
Though I've always had good grades in general, I did horribly on my senior thesis.
I'm terrified that I don't have it in me to write a major research paper of any kind, but I want to get a PhD.
I'm a flaming introvert.
Sometimes, I just don't want to be around anyone.
I'm very tired of meeting new people at my new church.
I never get to know any of them.
I want to hide in my office.
I'm tired of that, too.
I hate dealing with finances.
I don't think money should be important.
I worry about it all the time.
I used to be about as conservative Republican as is possible.
Then I was a member of the Green Party.
Now I'm a Democrat.
I don't know why.
When I was conservative, I wasn't very forgiving.
I didn't forgive myself, either.
Then I decided that it was more important to be forgiving.
Now I'm not as good at maintaining personal holiness as I once was.
I'm not sure I care anymore.
I never really learned how to pray.
I still don't really know how.
Especially when it involves other people.
My prayer life feels pretty bleak.
Somehow I think I can be a pastor.
I've never really had a conversion experience.
I don't want to.
I still feel guilty about it.
My theology is very communal.
I'm not very good with people.
My Christology is incarnational, not salvific.
I work in a Baptist church.
Today, I skipped out on the church school class I had planned to visit because I didn't want to talk or think about Titus.
I don't think it was Paul that wrote Titus.
I haven't really sat down with my Greek in almost two months.
I don't really hold many spiritual disciplines anymore.
At one time I did.
I think they're important.
I'm not sure how to start.
My wife's love languages are Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.
Mine are Quality Time and Physical Touch.
When I try to be loving, I usually give Words of Affirmation.
When I get stressed, I want to stop everything, curl up in a ball, and do nothing.
It doesn't really seem to help.
I love the rain.
I live in a city that gets 325 days of sun a year, and I don't like it.
People think I'm crazy.
Sometimes, I think I actually like to be depressed.
I struggle with inappropriate thoughts.
It makes me hate myself.
That doesn't help anything either.
I secretly wish I were Catholic.
I can't abide the dogma.
I considered become Episcopalian.
I can't handle the rich people.
Maybe I just want to wear fancy robes and clerical collars.
When I read the Bible in the morning, I'm a better, nicer person during the day.
Lately, I don't do this very often.
I like to think that I grew up country.
I really didn't.
I'm not very close with anyone in my extended family.
It makes me sad.
I don't know much about my cultural/ethnic heritage.
It makes me feel culturally and ethnically homeless.
I used to get angry about cultural/ethic discussions.
Now I just feel empty.
I work really hard to be racially and gender sensitive.
I now think that my voice is not needed, that it time for me to shut up.
I like hiding in my books.
I'm not very good at doing anything productive.
I'm afraid to tell you who I am.
For some reason, I feel that God is calling me, but I feel unsure of myself.
According to my candidacy psych report, I have disassociated myself with stereotypical gender roles.
Yesterday, I had a very good time beating my friend at Sega NBA Live '97.
I gloated.
I used to be an Arian: I didn't believe in the divinity of Jesus.
Mark is still my favorite Gospel.
I am overly excited about having my own office with my name on the door and my own business card.
I think it's important to speak openly about one's thoughts and feelings with loved ones.
I'm terrible at it.
I can be an elitist snob.
I'm snobby about not being snobby.
I can never seem to sleep when I need to.
I'm generally a hypocrite.
I believe in natural, organic, small family farms.
I hate fruits and vegetables.
If I could, I would eat Macaroni and Cheese nearly all the time.
Yes, it would be Kraft.
I think there is a particular kind of church music that might be more appealing to young adults.
I'm a young adult, and most of the time I don't like that kind of music.
Sometimes I feel like a waste of resources.
I'm young.
I'm human.
God made me this way.
For some reason, I'm pretty sure God still loves me.
I'm glad.
Even though I talked myself up in my application, I'm not sure I have the skills to carry this through.
I'm in charge of ten adult church school classes.
I've never really participated in an adult church school class... ever.
I've been in the Church all my life, and I'm not sure why.
I know that I have to exercise, because I have chronic headaches if for no other reason, but I don't.
I'm hopelessly addicted to television.
Cable doesn't help.
When I didn't have a Christian Education connection to a church, music was my source of strength and spirituality.
Now I don't have music anymore, and I'm lost.
I've put a lot of effort into convincing people that I'm called to be a pastor, but I have no experience with any pastoral duties.
I'm a terribly slow reader. It takes me months to finish a book.
Though I've always had good grades in general, I did horribly on my senior thesis.
I'm terrified that I don't have it in me to write a major research paper of any kind, but I want to get a PhD.
I'm a flaming introvert.
Sometimes, I just don't want to be around anyone.
I'm very tired of meeting new people at my new church.
I never get to know any of them.
I want to hide in my office.
I'm tired of that, too.
I hate dealing with finances.
I don't think money should be important.
I worry about it all the time.
I used to be about as conservative Republican as is possible.
Then I was a member of the Green Party.
Now I'm a Democrat.
I don't know why.
When I was conservative, I wasn't very forgiving.
I didn't forgive myself, either.
Then I decided that it was more important to be forgiving.
Now I'm not as good at maintaining personal holiness as I once was.
I'm not sure I care anymore.
I never really learned how to pray.
I still don't really know how.
Especially when it involves other people.
My prayer life feels pretty bleak.
Somehow I think I can be a pastor.
I've never really had a conversion experience.
I don't want to.
I still feel guilty about it.
My theology is very communal.
I'm not very good with people.
My Christology is incarnational, not salvific.
I work in a Baptist church.
Today, I skipped out on the church school class I had planned to visit because I didn't want to talk or think about Titus.
I don't think it was Paul that wrote Titus.
I haven't really sat down with my Greek in almost two months.
I don't really hold many spiritual disciplines anymore.
At one time I did.
I think they're important.
I'm not sure how to start.
My wife's love languages are Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.
Mine are Quality Time and Physical Touch.
When I try to be loving, I usually give Words of Affirmation.
When I get stressed, I want to stop everything, curl up in a ball, and do nothing.
It doesn't really seem to help.
I love the rain.
I live in a city that gets 325 days of sun a year, and I don't like it.
People think I'm crazy.
Sometimes, I think I actually like to be depressed.
I struggle with inappropriate thoughts.
It makes me hate myself.
That doesn't help anything either.
I secretly wish I were Catholic.
I can't abide the dogma.
I considered become Episcopalian.
I can't handle the rich people.
Maybe I just want to wear fancy robes and clerical collars.
When I read the Bible in the morning, I'm a better, nicer person during the day.
Lately, I don't do this very often.
I like to think that I grew up country.
I really didn't.
I'm not very close with anyone in my extended family.
It makes me sad.
I don't know much about my cultural/ethnic heritage.
It makes me feel culturally and ethnically homeless.
I used to get angry about cultural/ethic discussions.
Now I just feel empty.
I work really hard to be racially and gender sensitive.
I now think that my voice is not needed, that it time for me to shut up.
I like hiding in my books.
I'm not very good at doing anything productive.
I'm afraid to tell you who I am.
For some reason, I feel that God is calling me, but I feel unsure of myself.
According to my candidacy psych report, I have disassociated myself with stereotypical gender roles.
Yesterday, I had a very good time beating my friend at Sega NBA Live '97.
I gloated.
I used to be an Arian: I didn't believe in the divinity of Jesus.
Mark is still my favorite Gospel.
I am overly excited about having my own office with my name on the door and my own business card.
I think it's important to speak openly about one's thoughts and feelings with loved ones.
I'm terrible at it.
I can be an elitist snob.
I'm snobby about not being snobby.
I can never seem to sleep when I need to.
I'm generally a hypocrite.
I believe in natural, organic, small family farms.
I hate fruits and vegetables.
If I could, I would eat Macaroni and Cheese nearly all the time.
Yes, it would be Kraft.
I think there is a particular kind of church music that might be more appealing to young adults.
I'm a young adult, and most of the time I don't like that kind of music.
Sometimes I feel like a waste of resources.
I'm young.
I'm human.
God made me this way.
For some reason, I'm pretty sure God still loves me.
I'm glad.
posted by david at 2:21 PM
7 Comments:
Great post, David. I'll email you later, but I wanted to say a couple of things.
When I was reading a book by Anne Lamott where she talked about parenting, what I realized is that I'm not as crazy as I think. Most other normal people have the same thoughts we do, but we don't realize it. So message #1 - you're normal. Just about everything you said is something that's crossed my mind at one point. What you said about secretly wishing you were Catholic but that you can't take the dogma describes my feelings exactly. I was even having some deep longings to be episcopalian last week.
Message #2 - you can do a Ph.D. Forget about your senior thesis. A Ph.D. is completely different. First, you get to pick your topic. Second, your deadlines are expressed in terms of years rather than days and weeks. People a whole lot less smart than you have done it - it would be a breeze!
Brian
I'd posted a comment and blogger ate it. Ugh!
I'll email you later, but I've got two messages for you now:
Message #1: You're not as crazy as you think. I'm not saying I think you're crazy, but rather that I've thought almost all of these things (or my own variation of self-doubts). I think everyone has, but we can't always see that.
Message #2: Give yourself more credit. We're all occasionally thrust into situations that we don't feel prepared for. You are a very bright and competent person and you'll do great.
Well, I need to get back to work.
Well, apparently Blogger didn't eat my first comment. Oh well. I'll leave both there.
Brian
Well, based on your comments, I guess my post was pretty depressing. I'm not depressed, just so you know. I was just trying to honestly express my concerns. Thanks for the comments and support.
Enjoyed this piece. Funny and thoughtful. Thanks for sharing.
www.portalministries.org
Great post. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share.
God's peace,
Rick
Hi David,
I loved this post. I wish that everyone going into the pastorate was brave enough to understand these things about themselves and write them down. Maybe they are and I just don't know it. I think you'll be a great pastor. You'll take all of these very human feelings and you'll use them to really love other people. You are amazing.
Peace,
Karen
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